TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of place. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let us have another location where American Adult men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: supply Everybody a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he need to prevent applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Place, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the creating's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "When you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is by now attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage can even involve:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where my PTSD might have change-down service."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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